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Why do people cheat?

Metrosmag,SA

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Earlier this month a study debunked theories that Facebook is the biggest threat to your relationship because it encourages people to cheat.

Research published in Cyberpsychology, Behaviour and Social Networking suggested that social media sites play less of a role in the desire for “sexual alternatives” than your own imagination, with the authors finding that an office crush was more of a threat to a committed partner.

There is no definitive single answer as to why people cheat. Threads on Whisper, a site designed for people to express themselves anonymously online, contain hundreds of posts by users who want to admit to affairs.

In one case, 21 posts came up with a multitude of reasons for why people felt they needed to seek sexual encounters outside of their committed relationship.

Excuses range from a person wanting to explore their sexuality to another who felt as though their partner was not paying enough attention to them.

Researchers estimate that between 20 to 25 per cent of married men and between 10 and 15 per cent of married women have engaged in an extramarital relationship.

One of the most recent studies into affairs, published in July this year, suggested that the likelihood of an affair rises if one partner is financially dependent on the other.

Psychologist Philippa Perry wrote in the Guardian after the study was published that an affair is often an enactment of “some deep, pushed away resentment”.

“There are some people who seem to always need to have a lover as well as a partner because they dare not rely on just one person in case that person abandons them,” she wrote.

“This situation may be heightened if they are financially reliant on their partner.”

Metrosmag,sa ( inspired by Mzansi Lifestyle ) Mzansi is rich in Lifestyle, a nation diverse in race and culture. Mzansi Magazine explores the rich heritage , versitile culture and the celebrations of Life in Mzansi. Metros Magazine, SA is South Africa's informative Metropolitan lifestlye magazine with all the fresh and important news in Mzansi.

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Relationships

One Reason Couples May Have Trouble Making Up After a Fight

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Showing emotional commitment is the best way for couples to make up after an argument, according to a new study. But—surprise, surprise—the researchers found that men and women tend to do this differently and expect different things from each other, as well.

The study, published in Evolutionary Psychological Science, found that women appreciate it when male partners spend time with them after a conflict, ask forgiveness or show remorse, and even shed a few tears. Men, on the other hand, consider kind gestures and sexual favors the best ways to apologize.

As stereotypical as they sound, these results may help couples—heterosexual couples, at least—understand each other better, say the study authors, and may help reconciliation after arguments go more smoothly.

To examine male and female responses to relationship conflict, researchers from Bucknell University first asked 38 women and 36 men to write down a few specific actions that someone of their gender was likely to do when attempting to “make up” after a fight with his or her partner. Their responses were then given to another group of men and women, who were asked to rate which methods they thought would be most effective.

As suspected, men were more likely than women to express that having a partner offer sex or nice gestures would be an effective way to make peace and get back to normal after a squabble. (This is consistent with previous studies that show that men “are more likely to stay with partners who are sexually accessible,” the authors wrote.)

Women, on the other hand, considered it more effective for a partner to be emotionally available, rather than physically—and they thought it was more important for partners to simply spend time together after a fight than to have sex.

Of course, these are generalizations, and not every male-female relationship will exhibit these dynamics. And on a more positive note, the authors do note that strategies like communication, apologizing, offering forgiveness, and compromising were all rated more highly across both genders than less constructive methods (like drinking alcohol, ignoring each other, or pretending the fight never happened).

But the study does support the researchers’ hypothesis that, from an evolutionary perspective, men and women look for different types of reassurances after a rocky patch. And couples may be smart to keep that in mind, they say.

If one partner is trying to offer an olive branch, for example, but can’t figure out why the other partner isn’t interested in reconciling, “it could be because their reconciliation actions do not tap into the partner’s basic desires regarding expected emotional or sexual access from them,” lead author T. Joel Wade, PhD, professor of psychology at Bucknell University, told Real Simple via email.

In fact, Wade says, it would be smart to think closely about what one’s partner is really looking for—and to make a real effort to provide them with that. “Good/successful relationships involve being in tune with a partner’s needs and desires,” he says, “and making compromises if necessary.”

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Relationships

Selfies may be ruining your love life

Metrosmag,SA

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It seems like every time we turn around, science is giving us another reason that selfies are bad for us. They’re apparently evidence of narcissism or self-centeredness, though, some people say they’re a feminist act of smashing patriarchal beauty standards, which YES, GIRL.

Now, we have a new study to add to the chorus of well-intentioned scientists warning us to scale back on the selfie taking. Evidently they have a negative impact on romantic relationships.

A new study published in Telematics and Informatics, which surveyed 305 Chilean adults over a two-year period about social media’s role in their relationship, found that selfies are bad for romance. According to PsyPost, “the level of jealousy between romantic partners increased with the amount of selfies that were posted on social media sites.” The study also found that “photo related conflicts as a result of posting selfies negatively affected the quality of the relationship.”

Personally, I’d be interested to see the gender breakdown of this jealousy and whether it was consistent between heterosexual and queer relationships because women (under 40) take more selfies than men, so are these male partners that are jealous when their female partners post selfies? If that’s the case, these women need to ditch these insecure dudes ASAP.

Feeling jealous because your partner posts pictures of themselves looking fabulous for the world to see is a sign of insecurity. Someone who feels confident and secure in their relationship with their partner would be loving the fact that everyone else can see how hot their boo is.

The study went on to say that the more selfies someone shares on social media, the more likely it is that they are trying to “create an idealised persona of themselves.” Which, duh, right? Is it really so bad that someone would want to put forward their best self for the world to see? What’s wrong with wanting people to think we look awesome, or to think that we’re living our best life?

So many of these findings feel like concern-trolling conclusions that negatively impact women who just want to post images of themselves feeling good. In a world where women are constantly told that our value is in how we look, you should hate the game, not the player.

This isn’t to say that sharing selfies on social media might not make your partner jealous, but if that’s the case, it might be time to open up a conversation about why your partner feels that way because those jealous feelings say way more about the jealous partner than they do about the one who isn’t doing anything but slaying on social media.

The moral of the story: you shouldn’t have to dull your shine just because someone else can’t handle it.

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5 toxic relationship habits people think are normal

Metrosmag,SA

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While it can be difficult to recognise signs of an unhealthy relationship when it is your own, it is important to take the occasional step back and assess whether you’re happy with how things are between you and your partner.

Users on question-and-answer website Quora have been discussing certain habits that could be warning signs of a toxic relationship.

Here are some of the habits that were mentioned the most:

1) Keeping score

Quora user Howie Reith suggested that noting down past mistakes or arguments and then bringing them up again to be used as ammunition is “bad for several reasons”.

“It is manipulative… it fosters bitterness, and it deflects discussion of whatever issue has caused the present fight,” he wrote.

2) Holding the relationship hostage

Does every minor hiccup and effort to communicate seem to lead to the threat of an end to the relationship? Writer Mark Manson said such “emotional blackmail” created unnecessary drama and forced people to suppress their true feelings, which in turn leads to distrust and manipulation.

3) Being passive aggressive

Rather than saying exactly what is bothering them, a partner finds petty ways to imply their significant other that they don’t understand or are being deliberately slow on the uptake. If both parties are communicating properly, there is no need for that kind of behaviour.

4) Buying “solutions”

Using material goods as a way to “make up” for past mistakes gives the recipient subconscious incentive to cause further problems, and again discourages proper communication and resolution. Howie Reith writes that one partner will then feel like a cash machine, while the other will well as though their problems are not being heard properly.

5) Jealousy

Anonymous writes: “When your partner expects to be told where you are and who with at all times, as though you are not to be trusted.”

It’s worth taking a look at Refuge’s list of signs that point to an abusive relationship, which can be found on their website.

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